


Post Modern Sleaze

by laudanum_cafe



Category: Cobra Starship, Fall Out Boy
Genre: But I Love Them, M/M, Patrick is a gremlin, Pete is a Goblin, These Boys are disgusting, Weed Smoking, pizza eating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:21:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22779367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laudanum_cafe/pseuds/laudanum_cafe
Summary: Is Sex Pollen real?
Relationships: Patrick Stump/Pete Wentz
Comments: 19
Kudos: 30
Collections: Be My Peterick Valentine 2020





	Post Modern Sleaze

**Author's Note:**

> Title from a Sneaker Pimps song. Check them out. They're 90's amazingness.

“Do you think there’s any real scientific basis behind the sex pollen troupe?”

Patrick didn’t lift his eyes from the screen of his computer, but he was sure that there were several sets of eyes looking up at him after asking that particular question. The silence that continued to fill the room was more than expected. 

“I think there might be some biological basis in the Pom Farr troupe, however it only very loosely resembles actual mating behavior in some species of animals.” Of course Andy would be the one to take his question seriously. He was always good like that. 

Joe looked up, always curious about the conversations being had around him, even if he was less than knowledgeable on the given topic. He simply liked to be a part of the discussion, hated feeling left out when his friends chatted, even if he had little to nothing to contribute. “What?” 

“No, I don’t mean that.” Patrick shifted his laptop to the side so he could fully engage his friends in conversation. Well, at least engage with Andy. Joe’s monosyllabic inquiry didn’t count. “Like, sex pollen, or magic love potions. Stuff like that. Do you think that shit has any basis in reality?”

Andy’s face scrunched up a bit. “That shit is a bit too non-con for my taste. I prefer my fiction and sci-fi to be less rated X and a little more science based. And yeah, while Pon Farr is a classic Star Trek troupe amongst fan writers, it’s not one that really interested me. I actually prefer the lore that the Supernatural fandom developed with their Omegaverse biologies, but again, some writers take it into a  _ very  _ dub-con place for me to really enjoy it at all. And sex pollen? Yeah, nah, pass. However, the history behind the origins of these troupes is an interesting look into--”

Andy’s reply was quickly cut off by Joe, who had already tuned out the drummer when his tone went from  _ helpful answer _ to _ droning lesson on the history of sci-fi tropes and their effects on society.  _ “What the fuck are you even reading, Patrick? Why are you asking about alien sex and dingaling magic?” Joe was stretching out to his full length on the couch next to Patrick, trying to turn his screen around so he could catch a glimpse at what the blonde was looking at. He knew that their singer had a penchant for reading all types of weird and unusual fan fictions, but he was usually discreet and secretive about his past time. 

“Bro, is this tentacle porn fan art?”

Patrick snatched his computer defensively, partially closing the lid and angling the screen away from Joe’s prying eyes. 

“Dude, was that tentacle porn fan art of  _ us?  _ What the  _ fuck  _ are you looking at?”

“Look, if you’re just going to ridicule me, then you can just go fuck  _ all  _ the way off. I asked a fucking simple question. If you cannot or will not just give me a real fucking opinion, then you can suck my whole, entire asshole.” Patrick was ever so eloquent when he was annoyed.

Andy had the good grace to at least look up and appear apologetic. Joe, not so much. “How am I supposed to suck your entire asshole? That doesn’t even make sense. Besides, I’m not the one looking at bootleg fan porn on Deviant Art to add to my depraved spank bank. Why are you coming at me so hard, bro?”

Andy closed his eyes and sighed when Patrick carelessly tossed his prized laptop to the side of the sofa and stood up to his full height to tower over Joe. He was past the point of biting comebacks and witty repartee. He was about to start throwing fists.

Patrick had managed to deliver two nasty rabbit punches to Joe’s upper arm before the calvary came swooping in. “Sup, sluts. What’s--” Pete stopped short when he was Patrick was in the middle of hitting their guitarist.

“Ah, perfect timing, as usual, Pete.” Andy chuckled. “Seems your Gremlin Senses were tingling.” 

“Get the fuck off me, you fucking shit,” Joe muttered as he managed a couple of kicks at Patrick’s shin. “Pete, come collect your fucking porn rat.”

Patrick turned around, looking like he was about to dive back in to land a few more punches at Joe, but Pete was faster; jumping over random detritus littering the floor as well as a coffee table, before reaching his fiery tempered boyfriend and pulling him back towards his side. 

“Let go, Pete. He needs to get his ass beat.”

“What the  _ fuck,  _ dude. Pete, you need to get your boy in line. He’s fucking crazy.”

Pete turned Patrick’s body in to press themselves together, chest to chest, while reaching down and grabbing both of Patrick’s ass cheeks in each hand. “You’re so fucking  _ hot  _ when you’re angry. Wanna go to the bathroom and suck me off?”

Pete wasn’t being serious. This time. But the distraction worked and Patrick’s temper immediately shut down. “Fuck off, Pete.” Patrick said, temper momentarily quelled, as he kissed Pete on the cheek and wiggled free of the bassist’s grip. He looked up, a bit red-faced and sweaty, and acknowledged the other person that entered the apartment with Pete. “Sup, Gabe. What are you guys up to?”

Gabe makes his way around the living room, greeting each person with a smile and a fist bump, saving Patrick for last. “Not much, Snickerdoodle. Handled some business with boss-man over here and then had a meeting with a mutual associate of Joe’s.” Gabe makes his way around to the opposite side of the coffee table where Joe is sitting, and takes a seat on the floor next to him. It’s a precarious decent to the floor; long limbs folding in a cramped space, but he manages. He lays down a small toiletry travel kit and starts to remove the items inside. “Here you go, my man. Will you do the honors? You roll a joint better than anyone I know.”

Andy raises an eyebrow, but refrains from saying anything. It’s a lost cause.

“Peter, will you be partaking today?” Gabe asks with a lazy smile, leaning so his back is resting on the base of the couch, one hand petting Joe on the back as the guitarist remains focused on his task.

“Not today, my friend. Still edge. But please, by all means make yourself at home and stink up the place. Permission granted.” The sarcastic tone in his voice was light. 

Joe finished the joint quickly and handed it over to Gabe. “Hey Pete, did you know your boyfriend over here likes to read porn about alien smut and sex magic? Sounds like you’re not satisfying his needs in the bedroom if he spends all of his free time on fucking Deviant Art looking at tentacle porn and trying to find out if sex pollen is real.”

There was no warning this time. Before anyone knew it, Patrick was lunging across the couch, ready to  _ absolutely fucking kill you Trohman what the fuck! _

Pete managed to grab Patrick around the waist with both arms and, in a move that was rather graceful, swing him in a semicircle and deposit him back into a seated position on the far side of the couch. Without missing a beat, Gabe whipped out a lighter, took a quick drag from the joint, and smiled as he exhaled. “Sex pollen is definitely real. My great aunt was a medicine woman and shaman back in Uruguay. When she came over to the States, she still practiced and even made a living doing holistic healing and selling herbal remedies and potions. She was especially popular for a  _ very  _ effective tonic that was basically the 60’s herbal equivalent of Viagra-meets-MDMA.”

Patrick’s previous anger and embarrassment immediately disappeared. “For real? Dude, that’s...that’s fucking awesome.”

“Yep. That shit you read in fanfiction about sex pollen? It’s a lot like that.”

Patrick’s face was scrunched up in thought, staring at the side of Gabe’s head. “Do you think...I mean, umm. Can she hook me up with some of that? Like, I’d pay, of course. But, like...I mean. I’m just curious, you know?”

“Sorry, brother. She passed away in the 80s.”

Patrick looked completely crestfallen, his disappointment quite apparent. 

“However,” Gabe started before taking a long drag of the joint, holding his breath for a few beats, then exhaling. He choked back a few coughs and handed it off to Joe. “However. She did pass down all of her ‘recipes’ to my Titi Socorro before she passed. Soco doesn’t practice holistic medicine herself, she’s actually a nurse practitioner. But she still has all of the records. If you’re  _ really  _ interested, I could drop in and get a copy of the sex pollen one and see if it’s something I can have made up for you.”

Patrick nodded. “Um, yeah. If that’s no-- If that’s not a problem? Yeah, I’d be interested.”

Gabe glanced over at Pete, who was staring at Patrick with a very surprised but excited expression. “Okay. I’ll see what I can do for you guys.”

  
  


**

  
  


A few days later, Gabe drops by the apartment unannounced. But since he’s bringing tidings of great joy, he’s confident the boys will forgive him. 

Greetings, small talk, and niceties are exchanged, but Gabe can see that Patrick is eager to get to the point. “Well boys, I was able to come through. I have a little gift for y’all.” He leans back in his seat, unzips his fanny pack with a flair (because, of course), rummages around for a moment, then his hand stills and he looks up at Pete and Patrick, pausing for an even more dramatic effect (because,  _ of course). _

“Gabe, come on, dude.” Pete is grinning. He adores Gabe’s theatrics and is always down for teasing Patrick, but this gift is to be a great benefit to  _ himself  _ so it would be wise to make sure the blonde’s temper isn’t triggered right now. 

Gabe smirks and whips out a 4 ounce glass vial. “Are you ready to have the best sex of your entire life?” He wiggles the bottle in the air, gripped loosely between his thumb and index finger.

“Holy fuck.” Pete chirps while Patrick gasps beside him, looking very surprised and excited. 

“ _ Holy fuck  _ is absolutely right, my friend. You are going to have a religious experience with this shit.” Gabe closes his hand around the vial and pulls away as Pete makes an excited lunge for it. “Hold on. Just a second. Lemme tell you how to take it and what it’s supposed to do. I want to make sure you know what you’re getting into. This is some powerful stuff and I want to make sure you are educated before you go ingesting something you know nothing about.”

“Okay, okay, tell me what I need to know, Gabey-baby. But make it quick. Joe is gonna be back tonight and I wanna get started.” Pete was grinning.

“Oh, you’re going to need way more than a few hours. You may want to tell Trohman to find some place to crash for the night. You may be at it until morning.”

“Oh my fucking god,” Patrick whispered reverently. “I have never been so happy in my entire fucking life.”

  
  


**

_ “Hello?” _

“Gabriel. I fucking hate you and I curse your balls to forever be sterile.”

_ “Damn, Trohman. That’s a bit harsh. What the hell?”  _ Gabe laughed. He always loved Joe’s dry sense of humor.  _ “What’s up, puto? Wanna hang out later?” _

“No, I don’t wanna fucking hang out later. Thanks to you, I’ve been up for almost 36 hours straight listening to Patrick, the Gremlin Prince, get dicked down to within an inch of his life by Peter. All. Fucking.  _ Night.  _ Earplugs didn’t help. I could still feel the fucking vibrations through the goddamned walls. All. Fucking.  _ Night.  _ They have been fucking  _ all fucking NIGHT,  _ Saporta, and it’s all your fault.”

Gabe was laughing so hard he could barely breathe.

“It’s not fucking funny, Gabe! I am seriously pissed off! They have just now fucking gone quiet and I am going to go crash before I have to go to work  _ in four fucking hours.  _ I have a full shift and I have been awake for thirty-six hours and twenty-three minutes straight. I hate you so fucking much right now for giving those goddamned Gremlins some fucking  _ sex pollen!” _

_ “Oh my fucking god! Holy fucking shit! This-- This is the--”  _ Gabe is cut off by a coughing fit.  _ “Dude, I am so sorry but this is seriously THE most hilarious thing I have ever heard. You don’t get it. You see, they--” _

“FUCK YOU, GABE!” Joe doesn’t give Gabe a chance to speak anymore. He’s exhausted, and is going to get as much sleep as possible before work. He disconnects the call and blocks Gabe’s number.

  
  


**

  
  


A few days later, Gabe returns to the apartment, this time bringing tidings of great apologies (some weed and large pizza) for Joe Trohman. 

“Oh. It’s you,” Joe states dryly and with no emotion as he opens the front door. He looks at the pizza box balanced on the palm of Gabe’s hand and the baggie of weed he’s dangling in his other. Trohman looks up into Gabe’s (stupid, dorky, ugly) face, sighs, and opens the door fully. “Fine. Come in. But I’m not ready to forgive you yet.”

“Dude, you blocked my fucking number. Not cool.” Gabe set everything down on the coffee table and took a seat on the couch, pulling the table closer to him so he could start prepping. Joe takes a seat beside him, grabbing a slice of pizza and taking a bite. 

“Yeah, well. You deserved that.”

“You’re going to feel really bad for how you treated me when I tell you what I was  _ trying  _ to tell you the other day.”

“Somehow I doubt that. Oh, is that crippy?” Joe is looking less angry now. 

“That’s right, Trohmosexualis. Some of Florida’s finest. Imported directly from the one of the most elite grow houses in the 305. Now, are you going to  _ listen  _ to me, or what?” 

Joe wasn’t known to be an angry man. Yeah, he could hold a grudge, but when he felt the other person was remorseful and apologized, he was quick to let it go. And if the truth be told, he didn’t keep Gabe’s number blocked all week out of anger. It was simply that he had a very long week, and simply forgot to unblock (but he wasn’t about to admit that to Gabe. He was getting some pizza and weed out of this. Joe may be a forgetful man, but he is not a stupid man.)

“I’m all ears, my dude. What were you trying to tell me the other day that would apparenly absolve you of all blame for feeding The Gremlins some sex pollen that made them fuck for almost 24 hours straight? And quite  _ loudly,  _ I might add. Please enlighten me.”

“Here,” Gabe said handing over his pipe to Joe. “You get to take the first hit off of Wesley Pipes while I explain.”

Joe took the pipe, sparked the lighter, and took a pretty decent inhale. Gabe waited a few beats for Joe to breathe out before he started to speak again. “So, that sex potion I gave Patrick? Yeah, total bullshit. It was just a bottle of flat Red Bull with a baby Tylenol and a Flintstone’s chewable vitamin dissolved into it. There was nothing in that  _ at all.” _

“What the fuck do you mean??? You’re kidding me, right?” 

“Deadass. All that shit I told them about my great aunt was true, she was totally a medicine woman that was super versed in holistic healing. But a sex potion? I was just fucking with them. I’m actually stunned as to how they were going at it for as long as you claim. I figured Pete would prematurely bust his nut thinking he was on some magic sex pollen trip, and Patrick would kick his ass for not getting it back up again. I had  _ nothing  _ to do with that. Are you sure they didn’t take something else in addition to the placebo I gave them?” Gabe took a hit from Wesley Pipes.

“No way. You know the only hook ups they have are you and me. And sometimes Travie, but he’s been in New York since New Year’s.”

“Are they here? I  _ need  _ to know how they managed to go at it for that long.”

“They’re taking a nap. Should wake up in a couple of hours. Let’s finish off a few more bowls and eat before we interact with the Gremlins. I can’t handle this conversation sober.”

  
  


**

  
  


Pete and Patrick were sitting side by side on the couch wearing matching blank-with-confusion expressions. Gabe had just finished telling the duo what he had explained to Joe earlier, and it seems the Gremlins were experiencing a bit of disbelief. 

“But, I don’t understand,” Pete, always the mouthpiece for the pair, was, of course, the first to speak. He quickly glanced over to Patrick, the pair silently locking eyes for a few moments (with their fucking creepy psychic conversations), before Patrick tapped Pete’s arm and nodded to go ahead and continue. “So, let me just clarify real quick. That story about your great aunt being a shaman and a medicine woman  _ was  _ all true. However, the love potion you provided me and Patrick was bullshit?”

“In my defense,” said Gabe, “I think that the use of  _ sexual enhancers  _ of any sort is just plain dangerous. The side effects of even FDA approved medications are  _ dangerous,  _ my horny friends. And you  _ really  _ should  _ never ever EVER  _ ingest anything where you are not one  _ thousand percent  _ sure of the contents and their effects. I was kind of doing you a favor.”

“No, Gabriel. You bamboozled your friends and had a laugh at our expense.” Pete explained. “You know that we know that you are a highly trustworthy individual and would never provide anything that would be detrimental to anyone’s health or general well being. You wanted to play a prank and that was your one and only motivation was to revel in your own personal amusement.”

Gabe had the decency to look the tiniest bit remorseful. “Okay, fair enough. However, all’s well that ends well. From what Trohman said, you and Trickydoll had a rather eventful Valentine’s Day celebration. I am truly impressed. How  _ did  _ you manage that sort of marathon sex?”

Pete looked over at Patrick, who now was wearing a prideful, smug expression. “Well, never underestimate the power of my peen.” Patrick nodded his head once, crossed his arms, and sat back into the couch cushions with a pleased grin. 

“Hey! What about me?” Pete exclaimed with a great air of indignation. “You only topped, like, twice! And only because I needed a fucking break. I am  _ always  _ the one to dick you down! What about the power of  _ my  _ peen?”

“Aww, Petey, come here.” Patrick opened his arms and Pete happily jumped into his lap to receive some affection. “Bro, your dick is fucking magical. Like, valedictorian of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Cock Wizardry.”

Pete buried his face into the crook of Patrick’s neck. “That is  _ the most  _ romantic thing  _ anyone  _ has ever said to me!”

Gabe and Joe looked at each other, and as if reading each other’s mind, Joe reached out for Wesley Pipes, while Gabe unwrapped another fat nug. 

“We are never going to be high enough to handle these two Gremlins.”

  
  


*****

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> As always, kudos are lovely but comments are what keeps the writer energized. So don't be stingy with your affections!
> 
> Also, pass by The Laudanum Cafe anytime for stimulating conversation and free (virtual) drinks! You can find me on Tumblr at [LaudanumCafe](http://laudanumcafe.tumblr.com)


End file.
